How Do We Define Heal
I want to start this post by first addressing the word "heal", because it can be a tricky one and look like a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Even as I reflect, the meaning of the word "heal" has changed a lot for me over the course of my healing. For a long time, "heal" looked like becoming what was essentially super-human - a person who tolerate all that life through at her with calmness, unaffected by what was happening, able to perfectly navigate any and all situations. (Hello Recovery Perfectionist!)
It took some time to piece out what healing was and how I honored my humanity through the healing process. The goal was to become more human, not less, and the human experience is full of experiences like grief, disappointment, conflict, uncertainty, mistakes, hurts, questions, doubts, and so on. So my working definition of "heal" today is measured by the relationship I have with myself in all situations I encounter, and that relationship is healing when it is rooted in curiosity and compassion.
How do you define the word "heal"? What does it look like for you?
Let's talk about some of the ways I have developed that healing relationship and recovered from complex trauma.
Source: Unsplash - Gabriel Crismariu
Ways I Have Healed Complex Trauma
Here are some of the ways I've healed:
Acknowledging and Grieving Losses - this could look like:
Naming what happened (abuse) and what didn't happen (neglect) and feeling and validating the associated emotions.
Exploring how trauma has impacted our adult lives and mourn the need invest time, money, and effort into healing and recovering.
Learning to allow grief to be a part of our human experience.
Inner Child Work and Parts Work - this could look like:
Unpacking the personas, masks, and protective parts we needed to develop to cope with trauma.
Explore the ways we emotionally regress or feel immature (underdeveloped) in relationships - these places could reflect wounded inner children.
Learning how to resolve inner conflicts by listening to the wisdom of all of our parts.
Emotional and Relational Skills Development and Practice - this could look like:
Choosing an emotional or relational skill we'd like to develop and begin learning about it.
Asking our helping professionals to model and role play this skill with us for practice.
Allow practice to be imperfect and messy - progress not perfection.
Identity Building Through Self-Exploration - this could look like:
Exploring what we like and dislike or our thoughts on a particular subject.
Identifying experiences that connect us to ourselves.
Finding one small way to honor our self-expression in a relationship.
Relational Healing and Growth - this could look like:
Practicing new communication skills with a loved one or partner.
Identifying one area where we could start setting boundaries.
Starting to share our emotions with those we care about.
Prioritizing Self-Care and Self-Compassion - this could look like:
Acknowledging our limits and slowing down or reducing our commitments.
Using parts work to understand and unpack our inner critic.
Offering ourselves care even when we feel "we don't deserve it".
Cultivating Self-Trust Through Emotional and Somatic Awareness - this could look like:
Learning how to check in with your inner world and name what you discover there
Noticing and naming body sensations and what they are telling you
Learning emotional language so you can communicate how you feel
Taking It One Step at a Time
Looking over these examples might be overwhelming, complex trauma recovery is complex. Let's gently remind ourselves that we don't have to do it all at once, and there is already a lot that we are doing. If you feel that Recovery Perfectionist creeping in, naming all the ways you haven't healed yet, perhaps we can ask that part to soften and take a step back. We might reassure that part that we want to heal to, but we want to heal in a way that is slow, steady, and gentle. We might invite curiosity in and ask ourselves, "Which of these areas do I feel drawn to?" or "Is there an area that feels especially relevant right now?"
Complex trauma is often layered and intertwined. The beautiful thing about complex trauma healing is that it is layered and intertwined as well. Often as we are working on one area, the ways that we are healing and growing are percolating and spreading out into the other areas as well. It can be hard to see sometimes, because it is incremental and gradual, yet it is happening.
If you're curious about understanding complex trauma better, I just released a FREE resource called "Understanding Complex Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Breaking Down the Components of Complex Trauma And Recovery"! You can access it here: Tuning In: A Free Recovery Resource | Survivor Wise (saraaird.com).
Reflection Questions:
What is your definition of healing? What does it look like for you?
Which area of healing listed here are you drawn to?
How is it to slow down and take things one area at a time?
Resources That Could Help:
Are you curious about finding trauma-responsive care or identifying your current recovery needs? I would recommend Finding Trauma Responsive Care, a workbook that walks you step-by-step through identifying your recovery needs, recognizing trauma-responsive care, and finding a therapist or practitioner that would work for you. ($4)
Breaking Free From The Cycle Of Stuck - this workbook helps you understand the impacts of trauma and how they contributed to the helplessness and shame. It offers recovery tools and modalities that address the underlying issues to help you move forward. It covers many of the areas listed in today's post. ($12)
Befriending Your Body Somatic Self Care Video Guide - In this guide, we use 16 somatic practices to begin developing a gentle relationship with our bodies and emotions. We work with our protective defenses including the inner critic. (Payment Plans Available)
Recognizing and grieving losses, parts work, and cultivating self trust are the top 3 I feel most drawn to.
Specifically I’d like to validate and grieve the loss of things that weren’t present growing up.
I like this list and examples. I also appreciate the reminder that we can’t do ALL these things at once and that many of them we are already doing.
For me, a big part of slowly healing has been being kinder to myself when I don’t understand why I am so focused on a particular memory or issue when it “doesn’t make sense.” I’ve learned to better accept whatever part of the onion (as my therapist calls is) I am at even when I feel like we should be past it or be somewhere else. That’s helped me.